Here I Am
by still too old for this
Summary: And just when I thought time had set me free, those thoughts of you keep taunting me.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own anything relating to either the Teen Titans or the song "Here I Am."

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**Here I am, playing with those memories again.**

**And just when I thought time had set me free,**

**Those thoughts of you keep taunting me.**

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Dusk was settling. The brightness of the autumn day was quickly vanishing as the chilly October night began to overtake Jump City. Shadows became more prevalent; people began to hunker down against the wind, which was blowing the first falling red and yellow leaves through the streets. Street lights began to come on, throwing shadows in odd, unusual places, mixing with the shadows from the setting sun.

Among those people beginning to hurry through the streets was a young man. He was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a light jacket, which covered a black polo shirt. He wasn't hunkered down against the wind, although it blew through him like everyone else on the street. Still, he hurried along to where he was going, just like everyone else. There was one aspect of the young man that differed from everyone else, however; he was green.

If you were to examine the young green man closely he would appear almost unnaturally thin, nearly emaciated. Although his eyes seemed hollow, there was just the hint of brightness, as if he were exiting out of a long, dark tunnel, an abyss that had threatened to swallow him, but not yet, not quite. He had still managed to escape it, but it was a near thing. Where in the past he might have been whistling and bouncing down the street, he was now walking, almost trudging. There was no bounce, not yet, but the hint that someday, that bounce might come back was evident in his tread. He was feeling, if not good about himself, at least better. Better than he had in a long while.

Garfield Logan continued to walk down the one of the main streets of Jump City. Few, if any, people paid much attention to him. It had been several years since he had been active with the Titans and the public's memory was short. Oh, if any of the residents had stopped and seriously thought about it, they would remember Beast Boy, one of their heroes, who had saved the city, nay, the world, time and time again. But, the public's memory was, on the surface, short. And so, he walked in relative anonymity. Which is how he preferred it; once, long ago, he sought attention, but that was a lifetime ago. Now, he sought only to get better. To forget….

No, he wouldn't go down that road, that way lay ruin.

It had been a good day. A day filled with accomplishment. When he had been released from the hospital a while back, he had been offered a choice, to work at the Jump City Zoo or to work for one of the local animal shelters. The offer was no choice at all. There was no way he'd work for the zoo. Although he would be surrounded by numerous animals, the mere thought of them being imprisoned for no crime, simply for the amusement of others was abhorrent, and so, he worked at a local shelter where he could help as many animals as he could. His strength was still not sufficient for a long spell, yet he pushed himself. The drive to help, if not himself, then others who could not help themselves, consumed him still. While he would not change, could not, not with the pain it often caused, he still could help the helpless in any way he could.

Today, he had helped a number of dogs, several cats and one rooster. The rooster had been bred to fight and had been abandoned after its last battle, battered, bloodied and useless as far at its owner had been concerned, unable to battle again. Garfield had nursed it and bandaged it so that, perhaps, it might live through the night. He wasn't scheduled to go back to the shelter for another three days. He prayed that the cock might live until then. Until then, it was counseling and therapy for him, rest and healing for the rooster. Perhaps the two of them might heal together. Stranger things had happened.

And so Garfield Logan walked, his path taking him back to the rehabilitation center that was, with any luck, his temporary home. Who knows? Perhaps, with time, he would be stronger, strong enough to go back. He gave a small inward smile, feeling good; perhaps he could be what he once was.

And dusk continued to deepen. The lights on the street throwing shadows everywhere, creating colors and hues that, by natural daylight, would not be evident.

"No." He whispered. He had happened to look up, rather than at his feet. The girl ahead of him, her hair, the color, it….it…was just like hers. The same color, could it…

Garfield ran forward, without thinking and grabbed the girl before him.

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**Holding you, a feeling I never outgrew.**

**Though each and every part of me has tried,**

**Only you can fill that space inside.**

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With a strength he didn't realize he still possessed, he whirled the girl around.

It wasn't her.

"What, what's going on? Let go of me you creep!" She shouted.

The young green man, stammered, "I'm…I'm sorry, I thought….I thought...Oh GOD, I'm so sorry." His voice trailed away. His hands left her shoulders and he bent his head down.

The girl shrugged away. "Get away from me, you weirdo, before I call the cops." She hurried away from him and ran down the street.

Garfield put his hands and arms up around his head and began to rock. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." With that one hint, that one sign, the memories all began to flood back to him: the scent of her hair, the look in her eyes, the touch of her hand, the lilt of her voice, everything about her, everything that WAS her. He began to remember their times together, the mischievous small smile she had, the way she spoke, the way she walked, the movement of her body, the way she sat, the way she fought, the love he had for her. The love that had never faded, even after all this time.

He fell to his knees, there, in the middle of the sidewalk, and began to rock back and forth, silent tears trailing down his face. There weren't that many people on the street, but there were a few. As with any crowd, some walked around him, oblivious. Some deliberately avoided him, fearful of what this strange man was doing. Finally, one older woman stopped and looked at him for a moment. She stepped over to him and gently shook his shoulder.

"Young man, are you well? Do you need help, or a doctor?"

Garfield attempted to pull himself together as best he could. Voice thick, he replied, "No, no, I'm alright. There's no need for a doctor. Thank you for stopping. I'll…I'll be all right." And he got shakily to his feet.

"All right then, have a good night." And she turned and walked away.

"_Liar!"_ he thought, _"You're not all right. You'll never be all right. Never, not without her. You need a doctor, but not the kind she was thinking off."_

He moved out off of the main part of the sidewalk, over to the side of the building he'd been passing. Taking out his phone, he quickly punched in a number. The doctor he needed was on speed dial. His hands began to shake. "Come on, come on, please answer, please, please, please."

"Hello, this is Doctor Mackensie's office. I'm not available to come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If this is a true medical emergency, please hang up and call 911." A beep sounded. When he heard the voice of the answering service, Garfield began to cry again.

"Doc, doc, this is Garfield, I need to talk to you. Please, it's…it's an emergency. I saw…I thought I saw. I can't stop thinking about her again. I need….where are you?" In between sobs, his voice had gotten fainter and fainter until the final, plaintive question. He closed the phone and, holding his head in his hands once again, began to cry and rock back and forth.

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**So there's no sense pretending,**

**My heart is not mending.**

**Just when I thought I was over you,**

**And just when I thought I could stand on my own,**

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Garfield continued to shake for a few minutes, as the flood of memories of her pounded through his mind. Everything they had done. Every moment they had spent together. The sound of her voice, how she made the days perfect. Finally, he lifted his head up again. What to do? He couldn't take much more of this. He needed something, either to talk or….

Staring across the street, there was a liquor store.

"_You trying to tell me something God?"_ He began to run the back of his hand across his lips, then licking them. _"It would be so easy, wouldn't it? Just a little, just to numb my memory."_ He began to breathe heavily again. _"It's been a while, now, I'm better. I could handle it."_

"No, no, no!" he said aloud, "I can't, I can't." He reached into his pocket and removed his phone once again. "Frank, Frank, Frank," he muttered, looking through his directory for the phone number of his sponsor. He quickly punched in the number.

"Hi Guys, I'm not home right now, things to do, places to see, meetings to go to. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you when I'm back." Beep.

Garfield's face contorted in a grimace of agony. Lowering his head once again, he threw the phone away. By now, her face was everywhere in his mind, he had to do something. Finally, he looked up again and across the street. Disgust and self-loathing on his face over his weakness, Garfield Logan crossed the road and entered the liquor store.

It was quite bright, as most are. The beer was on the left, the wine in the middle and right, and over in the corner, ahh, there it was. He moved among the bottles of hard liquor.

"Let's see, scotch. No, too expensive. Rum, damn, nothing's on sale. Sheesh, don't have much gin do they? Hey," he let out a chuckle. "Gordon's is on sale. All right, vodka it is." He reached into his pocket once more. Withdrawing the few bills, he counted out. "Fifty bucks, should be enough. It's all I have for food for the rest of the week, but this is an emergency." He grabbed three of the large bottles and walked over to the cashier.

"ID."

Garfield pulled out his wallet and showed his driver's license. The man behind the counter took a look at it carefully, then looked at Garfield. "Green?"

"Skin disease. Not contagious."

The cashier gave a shrug. "Looks like a bit of a party tonight. OK, that'll be $52.00."

"_Damn, forgot about the tax!"_ thought Garfield. He began to search through his pockets again, hoping for a few dollars more. He had almost emptied them out completely. "Come on, can't you let the two bucks slide?"

"Nope, need it in full. Otherwise, put back one of the bottles."

Garfield finished emptying his pockets. Nothing much in them. He had thrown away his phone. He had a few notes regarding work. A notebook and pen, some lip balm, some gum. And his Titans communicator.

He stared at the large disk with the T emblem. He'd almost forgot he had it. Hadn't used it since before he was in the hospital. Once more in his mind, her face appeared, he could hear her voice ringing in his ears. He began to shake his head.

"Hey, trade you this for the two bucks." He lifted the communicator.

"What is it?"

"Titans communicator, real collectors item."

"So how'd you get it?"

"Gift."

The man turned his head, then let out a breath. "Sure, what the hell. OK, we're even." Garfield handed the disk over to the cashier. He put the three bottles in a large plastic bag and handed it over to the young green man. Garfield grabbed the bag eagerly and left the store.

"OK, where to go. Need to find somewhere fast, not sure how much longer I can hold it." He hunched over again as a phantom scent filled his nostrils and he remember the smell of her hair. He began to cry again. With a wild look in his eyes, he searched around. Looked like a few doors down was a small alley. He hurried over and looked down it. It was dirty, there were the large trash receptacles towards the back. Bags of garbage were haphazardly arranged around the bins.

"Well, I won't be interrupted. In any case, I'll be gone by morning." Even as he said this, he knew it was a lie. He knew what lay ahead. Otherwise, why would he have bought three bottles? Making his way down the alley, he looked around. It appeared to be deserted. Good, he wouldn't be disturbed. He bent down and crawled between two of the receptacles, out of sight. Tears continuing to stream down his face, he pulled the cap off of one of the bottles of vodka and took a drink.

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**Oh baby, those memories come crashing through,**

**And I just can't go on without…you.**


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own anything relating to either the Teen Titans or the song "Here I Am."

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Morning at Titan's Tower, a bright sunny October day, the air was crisp, melding the last warm days of summer with the promise of winter on its way. A day to feel alive.

Victor Stone, leader of the new Titans, was sitting at the communications console. Older, wiser, he mentored his young charges in their task of fighting crime. He had learned from the best, Dick Grayson, Robin. He had fought, lived with legendary heroes, friends. Even though they had separated, as youths do with age, he would still respond to their call, their distress.

He was the only one of the original five left. All of the others had departed. Starfire had gone back home to Tameran. Dick was now Nightwing and working out of Bludhaven, Raven was…, well, Raven was. Terra, as far as he knew was either stone or, if Gar was to be believed, alive but ignorant of her time with the Titans. And Gar…

Poor Gar.

His best friend.

He thought of him on occasion, as you think of those in the past. A wistful, nostalgic memory, in Gar's case, tinged with sadness. Poor guy, how he had completely fallen apart. Vic didn't really understand why, only that it had happened.

Why was he thinking of Gar? Vic realized he was his best friend, but still, he hadn't thought of him for weeks. The demands of the new Titans, the training, the battles, had consumed his time. Guilt began to seep into his mind. He should have paid more attention. He should have visited him.

"_And what about Ravager? Static Shock? Wonder Girl?"_ he thought. _"How could you leave them to face….whatever? No, you have your duties. And Gar is no longer at the top of them."_ Vic let out a sad sigh at the thought. How had it come to this? He wondered.

In the middle of his contemplation, the phone rang. He punched a button on his arm.

"Titan's Tower, Cyborg speaking."

"Mr. Stone," a pause, "this is Victor Stone, correct?"

A hesitant pause, it had been a while since he acknowledged that name, "Yes, I'm Victor Stone."

You could hear the expulsion of breath on the other end of the conversation. "Thank God. I only had this one number to contact. I'm Dr. Phillip Mackensie, I'm Garfield Logan's therapist."

A chill went down Cyborg's spine. "What's wrong?"

"Mr. Stone,"

"Vic"

"Vic, Garfield has disappeared. He left a message with my answering service the day before yesterday, in the evening. He sounded like he was in trouble. I called the rehab center and he never returned from his job on Tuesday."

"Two days ago? Didn't they send out any sort of call, notice that he was missing."

"I just got back from a vacation, camping, so I didn't get the message that he had called. As for the rehab center," he paused for a moment, then as he resumed you could hear the disgust in his voice. "Fell through the cracks. I swear the people and the incidents that fall through the cracks are big enough to fill the Grand Canyon. Anyway, I called the animal shelter he works for this morning; he didn't show up for work today."

"Damn, that's not good, is it?"

"No, it's not. I called his sponsor from AA, Frank. He said he hadn't seen him since their meeting last week. You were my last hope. From your conversation, you obviously haven't seen him. We need to find him as soon as possible. From his message, he sounded like he was having a major relapse. That was a day and a half ago and no one has seen or heard from him. I fear for his condition."

"Isn't he ANY better?"

There was a hesitation on the other end of the line. "Yes and no. You understand that there are things I can't discuss, doctor patient confidence. I can tell you this. I've been waiting for another episode. It was only a matter of time until something triggered his memories and a relapse. That's why we had him working as much as possible, something to distract him."

"Damn! Damn, damn, damn. OK, do you have any idea what happened?"

"Not really. He left work at his regular time and began to walk back to the center. He was supposed to be back by 8 and he never arrived."

"All right, I'll gather someone and we'll investigate. We'll find Gar."

"Please hurry. You remember what happened the last time. The longer he goes unwatched, the further he'll relapse."

Cyborg remembered the last time, over a year ago. The mess, the blood….

"I'm on my way doc, I'll call the best in the business. When we're done, I'll let you know that we've found him."

"Thank you Vic." He hung up.

Under his breath, Cyborg muttered, "God willing, alive."

His thought returned to his previous subject. Well, that explained his reminiscing of Gar. Somewhere, somehow, he must have been having a premonition. Time to call in the reinforcements; he hurried to the communications board. "Hope he's around." He punched a code on the panel. "Nightwing, come in. This is Titan's Tower."

Surprisingly, the image of the former Titan leader appeared immediately on the screen. "Wow, that was fast," a surprised Cyborg muttered.

"Hey Vic, just wrapped up a case. Haven't heard from you for a while. How's it going?" The detective had a smile on his face, glad to see his friend.

The seriousness came through Cyborg's voice. "There's a problem Dick, Gar's disappeared again." Nightwing closed his eyes and the smile left his face, his 'work' face, serious, somber, focused, appeared.

"Damn, thought he was better. Last I heard, he was doing well at the animal shelter. OK, see if his communicator is still working. I'll be there within five minutes."

"When did you learn to fly?"

"I'll access the Justice League transporters and beam to the Common Room. Nightwing out." His image left the screen

Dick was better than his word. Within three minutes he was there and immediately all business. "Cy, how long ago did he disappear?"

"According to his doc, roughly two days ago."

The detective pursed his lips. "Not good, that's too much time for him to…. Well, we'll see what." He preferred not to think of the alternatives. "Anything from his communicator?"

"Maybe, I'm getting an intermittent echo bearing his signature from a location down on Market Street."

"OK, that sounds promising. Market Street is the direct route from the shelter to the rehab center he lives in. Can you get a fix on its movement?"

Cyborg worked the computers. "Tough, the communicator seems to be almost out of power. Still, doesn't seem to be moving." His fingers moved along the console. "Bad news, it doesn't seem to have changed position for a couple of days."

Nightwing let out a breath of exasperation. "You're right, that's not good. Either he's injured and immobile, or he's lost the communicator, or…" He paused, "We'll worry about that later. All right, that's where we start the investigation. You still got the T-Car?"

"My baby?" A small grin appeared on the cybernetic man's face, "can't go without my baby." The grin faded. "It's in the garage. Let's go." Racing down to the garage, the two men hopped into the T-Car and took off for the city.

"How did you find out Gar was missing?"

"His therapist called. Said he'd been away for a couple of days and Gar had left a disturbing message on the answering machine."

"How'd he sound?"

Cyborg looked at his former leader. "What do you mean, 'how'd he sound?' He sounded worried and he wanted to find Gar as soon as possible and that this was the last place he had to look."

"No, I mean, did he sound surprised?"

The metallic hero paused. "Come to think of it, no, he didn't. He even said he'd been waiting for something like this, that it was only a matter of time."

"Ah."

He let out a snort. Dick was ALWAYS like this. "OK, what do you know?"

"Know? I don't KNOW anything, but I do suspect something."

"You going to spill it?"

"Not yet. Still missing a piece." And Nightwing fell into a silence. The silence lasted for several moments, then he continued. "It does mean that the doc has the same suspicions that I do about Gar's condition."

"You just going to be cryptic, or you going to let me in on it too?" Cyborg paused this time. "I guess it's the same problem as before. Damn it, why doesn't he just get another girl? It's not that tough. Hell, he still gets fan mail here. He could at least date SOMEONE."

"Don't think it's that easy."

"He did it when we were all still together."

"Before he hit his maturity. After that, he didn't date at all."

"Huh?"

"He matured late, very late. It sometimes happens. That's why he still looked like a little kid until he was seventeen. Then he finally began to mature. That's when it changed."

"You sure?"

"Oh, it was slow, but the signs were there. He stopped telling jokes and started to become more moody."

"I thought he was just growing up. Acting his age."

"So did I, at the time. After that last episode, I began to think about it. Did a little research. Just need to answer one more question, then I know if I'm right."

"Hope you get a chance."

"Me too."

After a few more minutes, they pulled onto Market Street near where the fading signal had been. Even though he was driving, Cyborg kept looking down at his monitors, trying to pick signs of where Gar might be. "Tough trying to pick up this signal. Keeps fading out."

"Never mind. Pull over here. I know where he went."

"WHAT? How do you kno….." He saw the liquor store. "Shit, Gar, oh man."

"Yep." Nightwing let out a long discouraged breath. "Let's see if we can pick up his trail."

They parked the T-Car on the street in front of the liquor store. Although Nightwing was first out of the car, he waited on the sidewalk for Cyborg to join him before he entered the store. It was pretty empty, as many liquor stores are in the morning. This was the time to restock, order new stock, clean up. There were two employees in the store, one restocking, one behind the counter. The two heroes went up to the counter.

"Yes, can I help...Whoa, Cyborg. What brings you here? Is someone getting ready to rob the store?"

"No buddy, my friend and I are just looking for some info."

The man let out a breath. "Thank God, been robbed twice in the last six months. I know you guys are busy, but some of us regular folk could use help. Do you know what'…." His eyes opened wide. "That little punk. That's a REAL communicator. What'd he do, steal it?"

Cyborg and Nightwing looked at one another. Finally, Nightwing asked, "You have one of our communicators?" The man reached under the counter and rifled through a box. After a moment, he took out the familiar disc shaped object and handed it over.

"Look, if I had known it was hot, I would have sent it back to you. He just said it was a gift."

Cyborg looked at it. "It's Gar's. Pretty much out of juice."

Nightwing turned back to the man, "What did the guy look like? Can you remember?"

"Not easy to forget, how many green kids do you see?"

Both of the heroes let out a breath at that. "Don't worry man, it's not hot. That really did belong to him. How'd you get it? Did he drop it?"

"No, he was trying to buy some vodka, ran out of money and was a couple dollars short. Offered the communicator for the balance."

Cyborg's face looked pained at that. "HE GAVE UP HIS COMMUNICATOR FOR TWO BUCKS?"

"Cyborg, stay calm. What did Gar look like?"

"I'm guessing you don't mean green, since you seem to know him." The employee thought for a moment. "Truthfully, looked kind of sick, in some pain. Part of why I agreed to it. He seemed kind of out of it. Figured that he was going to a party with some friends to feel better. Usually kids don't buy three of the large bottles unless they're together and getting ready to party." At that, both the current and former Titan's eyes opened wide.

"Three bottles of vodka?" Cyborg said. "Damn, we'd better find him."

"Do you remember what he was wearing?" asked Nightwing.

He thought for a moment. "Not really, jeans and a jacket I guess, just like most people."

"One last question, did you see which way he went?"

The man shook his head, "Getting dark, I was focusing on the store, not following kids." He paused, "Guess you want this back then." The man held out the communicator. Cyborg took it back, reached into a compartment on his arm and withdrew a couple of dollars. "Thanks."

Cyborg was staring at the disc in his hand, oblivious. The detective replied, "You're welcome, thanks for the info." And they walked out of the store.

"He gave up his communicator, I don't believe it. I can't believe things would ever have got so bad he'd give it up. And for two bucks for booze."

"Vic, let's see if we can find him. Before the spiral begins again."

The two looked around outside the store. Cyborg asked, "Any ideas? Left, right, up?"

"Up is out. Gar hasn't flown, or changed for that matter, in years."

"He hasn't? Why wouldn't he now?"

"Two reasons, one, he wouldn't want to lose the booze. Two, it relates to his….situation."

"Sheesh, if you get any more mysterious, I'm going to put a hood and cape on you." Cyborg looked disgusted. "OK, so where'd he go?"

"He'd look for a place close, one where he wouldn't be disturbed. He needed relief and fast, so he wouldn't go far." Nightwing looked around. Cyborg as well.

The metallic man spoke up, "There's an abandoned store across the street. Would he have gone there?"

"Possibly. We'll try that in a moment. There's an alley over there. It's closer and in the dark he would have seen it more clearly. Let's try that first." The two walked over to the alley and looked down. It was filled with various receptacles and trash bins. There was garbage around in various areas as the collection was still a day away. As with most dirty places, it stunk. The two moved down the alley a few feet and looked around. Cyborg began to take readings with his sensors.

"Getting some residual heat measures. Some large, some small. Probably rats and dogs. Don't really see much of anything."

"He was here."

Victor looked up, a puzzled look on his face, "How do you know?"

"There's an empty bottle of Gordon's vodka over by that bin. The guy at the store said Gar bought three." He moved over to where the bottle, laying on its side, had obviously rolled. He looked around. "VIC, HE'S HERE!" Cyborg moved quickly to his side and looked between the two bins.

There was Garfield Logan.

In concert, the two ex-teammates moved quickly, Cyborg moved the bin aside to give Nightwing room to move closer. The former Titan leader quickly took off a glove and felt for the pulse in Gar's neck.

"He's alive, but weak. He must have been out here since he disappeared. Body's cold, he's probably suffering from hypothermia."

The green man looked terrible. His clothes were stained and dirty. His hair was oily and matted and he had two days beard growth, making him look extremely seedy. At his side was another empty bottle and one that was two-thirds empty.

"Looks like he's barely moved from this place in two days." Nightwing said, "Probably went back to drinking as soon as he woke up. Cy, help me move him out into the light."

Cyborg bent over, "Shit."

"Yeah, I know, I don't like seeing him like this either."

"No, I really mean shit. I don't think he moved even to go to the bathroom."

"Oh, yeah, he does stink." Dick let out a sigh as they moved him out of the shadows. Once in a more lit place, Nightwing began to roll up the green man's sleeves.

"What are you doing?"

The detective rolled up the other sleeve and let out a relieved breath. On both arms were various track marks, all long healed, and two cuts along the wrists. "Thank God, he hasn't gone back to shooting up. And it doesn't look like he tried to kill himself again."

Cyborg let out a deep breath as well. "It's only been two days. Did you think he would collapse THAT fast?"

"No sense in taking chances. Besides, if he was shooting up again, we'd have to take him right to the hospital to see what was in him. This way, we can just take him back to the tower and clean him up before we bring him back." Dick Grayson shook his head, "Oh Gar, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you."

He stood up. "Cy, let's get him back to the tower as soon as possible."

Victor Stone bent down and picked up his friend. "Gahh, he definitely needs a bath. And these clothes are probably going to have to be burned." They turned and made their way back to the T-Car and, placing Garfield gently in the back seat, began the trip back to Titan's Tower.

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Not too many hits, but then again, this IS rated "M", so I'm not surprised. Only one review (THANKS FORCE!); to answer his question, what happened to the others, you can see from this chapter, Vic and Dick are doing good and the others are….not around. I think I'll leave it at that for the moment.

Thank you my friends for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own anything relating to either the Teen Titans or the song "Here I Am."

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**On my own, **

**I tried to make the best of it, alone.**

**I've done everything I can to ease the pain.**

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Garfield Logan awoke. Three things immediately occurred to him. First, he questioned to himself, 'Where was he?' Second, his head hurt. Third, a vision of her face appeared before him. Her eyes, those deep eyes, wells that exhibited her soul, every nuance of her being. In response, he closed his eyes tightly, trying desperately to avoid the memory of her. When he shut his eyes, the pain in his mind intensified. He remembered, sort of, what had happened.

"_Damn, I hate waking up. OK, where am I THIS time."_ He looked around carefully. After all this time, he'd learned, the hard way, not to move quickly or the hangover would be excruciating. _"Hmm, looks like a hospital bed. Wonder how long I was out this time. Don't remember much. Did I….?"_ He slowly lifted up his arms and looked at his wrists. _"Didn't cut them this time. Don't remember juicing up. Guess it was only the booze. Wonder how long I was out this time. Where am I?"_ He looked around the room. _"You know, I'd almost swear I'm back in…."_ He looked up at the ceiling. There in the plaster were the cracks, the images he'd played with all those years ago. He was back in the Tower.

"No, no, not here…please no….I can't…..I can't take this anymore…why….WHY…..WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" He wailed. Heedless of the effects quick movements would have. Garfield curled up into a ball and, rocking back and forth, began to cry. Back in this familiar place, with all of its memories, triggering those memories of her, the pain of the alcohol withdrawal was a far distant second to the pain of her withdrawal.

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**But only you can stop the rain.**

**I just can't live without you, **

**I miss everything about you.**

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Vic and Dick were in the next room. Dick had changed out of his Nightwing uniform into his regular clothes. Although baffled by the request, Vic had put on a hoodie and a pair of sweat pants, covering up his cybernetic equipment. "Dick, what's going on? Gar's seen me millions of times. Why do I need to cover up?"

"Vic, this is going to be tough enough for him being back in the Tower. I'm just trying to do anything I can to make it easier, to keep him from focusing on his memories and anything that might trigger them."

"Come on, you've got to be kidding. Our uniforms?" Victor let out a breath, "Sheesh, would the kid just get a new girl and move on."

"I told you, it's not that easy."

"Yeah, but you didn't tell me WHY! Come on Dick, every guy goes through a bad scene regarding a girl at least once in their lives. Your love's unrequited, she cheats on you, she says "You're a nice guy, but.."

"Yeah, that one's the worst."

"Like it's ever happened to you."

"You'd be surprised." Dick smirked and gave a chuckle.

"Wha! Lover Boy Dick? Who would say that to you? Were you trying to pick up Lady Shiva?

"Well, she IS pretty hot."

Victor's eye's bugged out. "You didn't really…."

Dick Grayson let out a laugh, "No…hah, hah, no. God, you're so easy to bust. No way I'd try with her. She'd tear my arms off." He considered. "Still, she is pretty hot."

"Dick, I'm getting too old for this." Vic whined. Dick smirked. Even after all this time, the friendship, the camaraderie was evident, and welcome. Two old friends, enjoying each other's company, old times, old jokes, old friends. The mood changed. "You going to tell me what's going on with Gar?"

The good humor died away immediately. "As soon as I get the answer to one question." Both of them fell into silence at that. After a few minutes, a cry was heard from the other room. A wailing that came from the soul, a bottomless cry of hurt and loss that tore at the heart and ripped the spirit from the hearer. Dick let out a sorrowful breath, "He's awake." Silence fell again. "Vic, please come with me. This won't be easy and I could use the company." The former Titan leader got up and headed towards the room where the changeling lay.

Victor Stone looked at the departing figure, eyes agog. Dick, asking for help, asking for comfort? What was the problem with Gar? Victor closed his eyes and gathered his strength. Right now, he'd rather face the Brotherhood of Evil, Slade or Trigon than beard Gar in his agony. They could only kill him. To see Gar in all his pain and hurt, well, that was far worse.

But this was his best friend, the man he would do ANYTHING for. It just hurt so to see him suffer so needlessly. He whispered, "Gar, man, just tell me, what's the problem? How can I HELP?" And he followed Dick into the infirmary, where Gar was, supposedly, recovering.

When he entered the room, he saw Dick moving towards the bed where Garfield was. The young green man was curled up, arms around his knees, rocking back and forth, whimpering. Quickly, Victor fell in behind the former titan leader. Dick sat on the edge of the bed, next to Gar, facing him. He put his hand on the young man's shoulder.

"Gar, I'm sorry. I know you're not all right." The changeling, curled up, shook his head no. "But I have to ask." He paused, considering his words. "She was your mate, wasn't she?"

Garfield Logan's head sprang up and he looked at his friend. Eyes lost, wet with tears, his face had crumpled into a picture of agony as the pain within his soul came to the fore. He let out another wail and pitched forward. Dick grabbed him around the shoulders and held him, commiserating with the agonized man who had been his teammate for a so long and his friend for even longer. They sat and hugged as Dick Grayson attempted to pass what little strength he could to his suffering friend.

Victor stared at the two, stunned. Not only did Gar not seem any better, but it appeared that Dick really did know the underlying cause. His mate? What did that mean? Why should that set off such agony? Regardless of the cause, Vic moved around to the other side of the bed and sat on the other side. He put his hand on Gar's shoulder, attempting to give comfort as best as he was able.

And so they sat there, silent save only for the weeping sound that came from the changeling. After a few moments, Garfield seemed to gather himself again and separated from Dick. Leaning back onto his pillow, he whispered, "Why did you bring me back here?"

Dick answered, "I'm sorry, I know it's hard on you, but you were suffering from hypothermia. We needed to keep you warm and didn't want to bring you back to the hospital before you were ready."

The green man shook his head. "Why didn't you just leave me there?"

"Man, we couldn't do that!" Victor interrupted, "You looked terrible. Another day or so and you'd probably be dead." Garfield looked up at his best friend.

"That might be for the best." He closed his eyes, the pain coming through once again. "I can't stand this any longer. I just can't keep going." He bent his head down again.

Dick and Victor looked at one another, concern mingled with fear in their faces. "Gar, we'll take you back to the hospital in a little while." Dick answered. "Try to rest if you can. You're still weak from exposure. Come on Vic" He motioned to the cybernetic titan to leave the room with him.

Once they reached the next room, Vic turned on Dick, "All right, enough evasion, enough mystery. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? What's all this about a mate? Hell if he's just looking for a lay, this is one hell of the wrong way to go about it."

"Wrong mate, Vic. Not mate as in sex." He paused, "Well not primarily anyway. Mate as in partner. Many animals mate for life. Wolves, eagles, geese, a lot of different birds, some fish, even worms. They stay with their partner throughout their life. Beyond that, many animals have familial bonds. Elephants mourn the passing of one of their herd and even try to bury them. Mother elephants have been known to stay at the side of their dead children for days afterwards. The animal kingdom is full of devoted, committed creatures that never abandon their own. Unfortunately, in many of those cases," Dick paused again, choosing his words carefully, "when one of the pair dies, the surviving partner doesn't usually for long."

"So? Gar's not an animal, he's human."

"No entirely, not anymore. Apparently, somewhere in his makeup he's channeled those creatures that mate for life. It's now firmly embedded in him. When she left, he was devastated. There's no telling when it really started. He matured so late that the mating instinct didn't kick in until much later, long after the fact that she left. But it didn't matter, he'd already bonded with her."

"When did you figure it out?"

Dick let out a sigh, "A while ago. After his last stay in the hospital, I started to think back to our last years together. He began to become moody. If you remember, there were certain animals he wouldn't change into. He stopped becoming a wolf, stopped being an eagle. I didn't see it then, but he was already avoiding those creatures that mate for life, the pain of loss was already building. If you remember, that's when he began to drink. He hid it, but he was trying desperately to numb his pain. Then he moved onto the drugs, anything to dull his memories."

"Shit." He paused. "So is there anything we can do? Obviously, from what you say, another relationship is out. And she's not coming back." He paused again. "Do you think we could get her back by explaining the situation to her?"

"And then what? Force her to stay at his side forever? Have her give up her life to ease his? We'd be trading his misery for hers."

"Well then, can we remove his animal instincts, without his powers he'd be normal and not compelled by this mate obsession."

Dick let out a deep breath, "Thought about that. But that formula has been part of his DNA for almost 20 years. I'm not sure it CAN be removed. It could take years to develop a counter. And that's not the worst of it. Do you remember WHY he had to take the formula?"

Vic thought for a moment, "Oh, right, the Sakutia, this is the cure." His eyes opened wide. "DAMN, if we remove his powers, he'll die!" He put his hand over his eyes. "There's no answer, is there?"

Dick shook his head and whispered, "No, not one that I can think of." The two fell silent. After a few moments, the former leader said, "I'm going to call the hospital. He'll need to be readmitted. You should call his therapist and the rehab center, tell them we found him and he'll have to go back to the sanitarium for a while, until he's able to get his head back together."

"Until the next time."

"Yeah…until the next time something triggers his memories of her."

"Shit. Poor Gar." The two left the room to make their way to the common room.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Just when I thought I was over you.**

**And just when I thought I could stand on my own,**

**Oh baby, those memories keep crashing through,**

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

From his bed in the next room, Garfield paid half hearted attention to the conversation between his friends. He knew what they were saying; his senses had not dulled over the years. His sight and hearing were far better than the normal human, and his ability to smell could rival a bloodhound. But none of that was very important at the moment. Even the overheard conversation had not made much of an impression.

All that mattered was the hole in his heart where she should be.

"_Even Dick's figured it out by now. You're only fooling yourself. There's no answer, no magic potion, no pill that will ever stop this pain. This is the rest of your life."_ He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. _"And now, back to the hospital, for therapy, counseling, medication that doesn't work. Until the next time. How long will that be? A month, a week, a day. You'll see hair that looks like hers, someone who walks just like her, someone with her smile. And then it'll start all over again."_

"_Why couldn't she stay with me? Why'd she leave? Where is she?"_

He closed his eyes once more, a few more tears leaking out.

"_There's no answer. There's never an answer. Just pain. Always pain. I'm so tired of the pain. Nothing ever works. If only she'd come back. But she'll never be back. Never. Alone…"_

Aloud, he said, "God, I'm sorry, but I can't take this anymore." Slowly he got out of bed. He was still weak. He'd been weak before all of this started and a two day bender didn't help. Standing by the bed, he closed his eyes and gathered his strength. After a moment or so, he straightened and opened them again. He knew he was being monitored, but he heard the other two leave to make the calls necessary for his future. A future of agony, of loss, of pain, of no hope.

He knew where the monitors were and faced them. "Goodbye guys. You've been the greatest friends anybody could ever have. I'm sorry you had to come bail me out one last time. I wish…." He paused, then whispered, "Thank you." And he walked out of the room.

Garfield Logan made his way slowly to the roof of Titan's Tower. It had been a long time, years really, but he still remembered ever step, every inch of the tower.

It had been a long time since he'd changed. But it was embedded in his genes. He could do it with the merest of thoughts. And so he changed into a Bar-Headed Goose. The pain was intense, beyond belief. Geese mate for life. Shifting to that form, he felt every aspect of the pain, the loss, the emptiness. She was gone, not to return. If a goose could cry, this one would have. Nothing. Nothing. The world was empty, lifeless. He had tried, oh how he had tried to come back. Nothing worked. Not alcohol, not drugs, nothing. Only sweet oblivion would help now. He had tried once before, but he'd been weak, unable to complete his only remaining desire left. Now, he would finish it. And no one could stop him.

He took off from the top of the tower and flew up, ever up. A Bar-Headed Goose can fly to a height of over 21,000 feet, and Garfield was heading up to that level. The air grew cold and thin, but still he climbed. If he had been in his human form, he would have passed out by now. Still he climbed.

"_Must be well over 20,000 now, got to see how much further I can go. Didn't know if geese could get dizzy, but…what was I thinking? Oh yeah, up to 20,000. Gee, the clouds look pretty from on top, on top of old smoky, all covered with…uhh, wha? Oh yeah, up, that's right. She always wondered how high I could get. Guess I'm finding out. Wonder if…huh? Wonder what. Where am I? What's going on? Where is she? Why did she leave me? Oh God, please don't let her leave. I can't….. I can't…please….no…..no….don't go….don't leave me….God, please….."_

The goose let out one final, hopeless cry and closed its eyes, passing out from a lack of air. With unconsciousness came the transformation back to the human form of Garfield Logan.

He began to fall.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**And I just can't, go on without,**

**Go on without,**

**It's just no good without,**

**You.**

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm sorry my friends if I've disappointed you. This is why I rated it "M". Not only was there no happy ending, but the ending was most final. It is not something that young children should read. If you have, I have no objection, but I give you a warning: SUICIDE IS WRONG!

I've put it in here only because of the storyline. Garfield was compelled by his animal instincts. WE ARE HUMAN! We are able to put them aside, unlike poor Garfield. PLEASE, if you are having difficulties, and are considering self destruction, PLEASE speak to someone, get counseling, get help. You are not alone. Please don't do it. I do not advocate it, advise it or agree with it. I have only written about it. Life is too precious to cavalierly throw away. No matter what the reason.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My thanks to you, my loyal readers. Not many, but then again, this is "M" rated, so I'm happy for any readers. As for my reviewers:

HotDog285 – As you can see from this chapter, Garfield losing his love, his partner.

ForceIsStrongWithThisOne – Was it Raven leaving, Terra leaving, Starfire leaving? I leave it open to your fertile imagination. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. The fact that poor Gar was left abandoned and was unable to deal with it. Hopefully you liked this exhibit of the true, deep friendship that exists between Dick, Vic and Gar. At least as far as this story goes.

BlueSummer2012 – I'm a firm believer that simply showing an action, and other people's response to it is far more powerful than dialogue. Although the right word in the right place certainly won't go amiss either. As for the late maturation, nothing particularly 'wrong' about it. Some men just mature late. For instance, at the age of 17, I still looked like 12 (could get into the movies for the kids price). I didn't start shaving regularly until I was almost out of college (still couldn't grow a mustache for beans in grad school.) And I'm STILL waiting for my voice to break. My wife has a deeper voice than I do, as does my 17 year old son (who by the way, matured right on schedule). Puberty can be decidedly odd.

InsanitysCandy – Here's the rest. Hope you've enjoyed it.

Once again my friends, my thanks for your kind words and your loyalty. I hope you've enjoyed my short, albeit tragic tale. Until next time.


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